How to Set Boundaries with Family During the Holidays (and Why It Matters)
The holidays are supposed to feel warm and bright — twinkling lights, familiar traditions, shared meals, and people you love gathered under one roof. But for many young adults, the season also brings complicated emotions. Going home can mean stepping back into old family roles, navigating tense dynamics, dodging personal questions, or trying to meet expectations you never agreed to in the first place.
That’s why boundaries matter.
And, remember, they’re not just important in stressful relationships or difficult seasons, but in any moment when you need to protect your peace.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you rude or ungrateful. It makes you self-aware. During the holidays, when emotions run high and schedules run tight, that awareness becomes essential.
Why the Holidays Can Make Boundaries Feel Harder
Most young adults don’t struggle with boundaries because they don’t know what they want.
They struggle because the holidays add extra layers of pressure:
Nostalgia (“This is how we’ve always done it.”)
Family scripts (“Why are you being sensitive?” “Just go with it.”)
Comparisons (“Your cousins are coming — why can’t you?”)
Limited time (Everything feels urgent.)
Social media expectations (Everyone else looks joyful; what’s wrong with me?)
You may feel expected to be available, cheerful, and accommodating, even if your emotional energy is stretched thin. When someone else’s idea of togetherness threatens your sense of safety or comfort, that's where boundaries step in.
A Boundary Doesn’t Have to Be Dramatic
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they have to be confrontational. In reality, most boundaries are quiet, firm, and simple.
A boundary is simply a sentence that protects your peace. Sometimes it’s:
“I won’t be discussing that topic today.”
“I’m going to take a break for a little while.”
“That comment isn’t okay with me.”
“I’m leaving by 9 tonight.”
“No, thank you.”
Boundaries don’t have to justify themselves. A complete boundary rarely starts with “because…”
Moments When a Boundary Might Help
Instead of walking through a long list of holiday scenarios, here are a few relational moments that often signal it’s time to draw a line:
When your body gets tense before someone even speaks.
That physical response is information, not overreaction.
When conversations shift into territory that makes you feel exposed or small.
You do not owe anyone intimate details about your life, choices, relationships, or future.
When you’re expected to be available at all times.
Whether it's running errands, answering calls, or participating in every gathering. Availability is not the same as love.
When old patterns resurface that don’t fit who you are now.
You’re allowed to outgrow dynamics that once felt normal.
When someone laughs at your discomfort.
Dismissiveness is a sign that a boundary is overdue, not unnecessary.
What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like in Real Life
Here are some gentle, non-confrontational phrases that help maintain connection without sacrificing your emotional wellbeing:
“I’m going to sit this conversation out.”
“I’d rather catch up about something lighter.”
“That topic is off-limits for me right now.”
“I love you all, but I need a little downtime today.”
“I’m heading out now; I’ll see you all later.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with that.”
“Let’s not joke about that anymore.”
These aren’t walls. They’re doorways that keep your interactions respectful.
If Someone Pushes Back
Some families respond beautifully to boundaries. Others… not so much.
Pushback often sounds like:
“Don’t be dramatic.”
“We’re just joking.”
“You used to be more fun.”
“Lighten up, it’s the holidays.”
“Why are you making this awkward?”
Here’s the truth:
People who benefit from your lack of boundaries may resist your new ones. That resistance isn't a sign you should stop. It’s a sign your boundary is working.
You can repeat yourself calmly.
You can step away from the conversation.
You can leave the room for a moment of grounding.
You can shorten your visit if tensions rise.
If certain interactions or gatherings consistently feel unsafe — emotionally or physically — you can create a safety plan for yourself. We offer more guidance here. You deserve to feel comfortable in all aspects of your life.
Self-Check: How Do You Feel Around Your Family?
Before heading into gatherings, or in the middle of them, you can (and should!) ask yourself:
Do I feel like myself here?
Do I feel respected?
Do I feel drained or energized after interactions?
Do I feel pressure to perform in a certain way?
Do I feel safe expressing my needs?
Your answers are signposts. Follow them.
Boundaries Can Make the Holidays More Joyful — Not Less
When you set boundaries, you’re not distancing yourself from your family.
You’re:
protecting your mental health
honoring your emotional capacity
showing up as a grounded, present version of yourself
reducing resentment
creating clarity instead of chaos
The holidays don’t have to be all—or-nothing.
They can be meaningful because you chose how you participated.
The Gabby Petito Foundation is committed to supporting young adults, survivors, and families as they navigate relationships, expectations, and emotional stressors throughout the year, and especially during the holidays.
You deserve a season that feels peaceful, supportive, and true to you.
